I am BARRY HESS > Blog


At my company there is a scheduled morning break at 9:45. Everyone congregates around coffee and donut tables to get out their water-cooler talk in a structured manner. OK, well many if not most sit at their desks and browse the Internet undeterred. A group of us gather around a cubicle to watch varying quality movies in ten minute chunks. Movies we’ve watched, from memory: Cobra, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, Primer, Freejack, The Warriors, Tommy Boy, and The Day the Earth Stood Still.

As you can guess, a lot of the movies result in a crude series of MST3K responses. Especially 20,000 Leagues and its numerous men of the sea. When I saw that Transporter 2 was arriving on DVD I knew it required a more expansive viewing. So a cruddy movie double-feature was scheduled for last night and those invited were encouraged to say what was on their mind.

It was a fun time. As we sat through the first movie, many crude statements were tossed at the screen, especially relating to the female lead who, from what I could tell, was delivering her lines entirely phonetically. Or maybe she just really idolizes Keaunu Reeves, William Shatner, and Nancy Allen. In any case, stilted is not an adequate word to describe her acting technique.

For has bad as The Transporter was, I was unprepared for the stretch of imagination Transporter 2 was to require. We had fewer direct barbs to fire at this movie because we often found ourselves hunched over in laughter. We were drowning in beer while the movie was drowning from the holes in its plot. I mentioned that the writers of the movie clearly had decided to represent Jason Statham as a super hero, making any fast-moving, physics-defying act a possibility. Later in the 87-minute movie a character actually wondered aloud if Statham deemed himself a superhero, and my suspicion was confirmed.

The Transporters will go down as two of the greatest movies in history on the unintentional comedy scale. And rest assured, the ending of #2 provides ample room for a third wonderous film. If you know of the right group of people to bring together for a lampooning good time, make it so. You won’t be disappointed.